Conventional upbringings

So, big sibling no. 2 has now facebook befriended mother of little siblings 4-7. I love it when people connect, especially when I played a part. In the 'fun days' it would be match making, with me often in the middle causing trouble. Hopefully my matchmaking now isn't the trouble causing variety though...
This mornings conversation went:
me (as explained above): A has made friends with L on facebook
son (distracted): oh
me (v proud of myself): so now everyone is connected with each other
son: erm... except my dad?
me (duh!): oh right yeah the person whose actually biologically connected to everyone
son:...in the world!

I'm glad my son can see the funny side of the fact his father is a serial family maker but I'm sure it wont always be this easy. My son hasn't seen him in over a year and for big sibling its been about 13 years. While I'd quite like his current non-existence in these family re-connections to continue I don't know how long it will last. Complicated families are great when its only the ones you like that you have to deal with! At the moment I'm relying on sheer laziness on the fathers part and typical teenage lack of interest on my sons part but this doesn't really feel sustainable or particularly ideal for my son. The thing is I don't know what 'ideal' is in this situation...

During some post-Christmas traveling I told my son about how his father got his surname and how he perhaps didn't have the easiest of childhoods. For the time it was probably the least conventional upbringing imaginable. I don't want my son to dislike his father and I thought it may help explain, but not justify, the way he is a bit. Luckily we had recently watched a BBC 2-part war-time drama that romantized a very similar story, so he had that to refer to. My son seemed fine with it all. Or at least the BBC family rated version anyway.














While up north we met up with two of my older cousin. We don't see them often so its nice to check in and remind my son there are some normal people on my side of the family (will post another time about my mad family). Our Grandparents, however, are less than pleased with the routes their grandchildren, unlike their own children, have taken so far; having children 'outside of wedlock' (despite marrying a few years later), partnering with men who already have children (although all appears very amicable) etc. Pretty normal stuff but to my Grandparents this is all very wrong. Of course I made all my 'mistakes' before I was even 20, but this doesn't seem to have made it any less shameful for my cousins in their thirties! I find it sad that my Grandparents are so determined to stick to their traditional and conventional 'morals' that they are willing to miss out on getting to know some lovely members of their family.

Meanwhile two of my best friends, recently married (not to each other), are just starting families. They have done it all the the 'right' way round despite both coming from very unconventional backgrounds themselves. I am so happy for them both but I can't help also being a bit jealous that they will never have to explain to their children why their father is a b with the aid of a BBC drama! Still, my son seems ok with his unconventional family and I'm yet to notice any harbouring resentment or bitterness. I reckon there's a pretty good chance of him developing into well rounded, stable human being with strong family values but understanding of the distinction between unconventional and crap. It's a shame my Grandad can't make this distinction but I guess things were different in his day and shame was an accepted reaction to 'unconvention'. It wasn't until my Dad started doing the family tree last year that we discovered my Grandad's own mum was 16 and unmarried when she was pregnant with him......Which I guess explains a lot....Anyway I've just got my son some phone credit with instructions to text his father back. Now I just need someone to pass me some instructions too.....

till next time....

Well, that's Christmas over. Despite feeling strangely 'unchristmassy' for most of the month, having a 3,500 word essay due on 21st December and my period being due today, Christmas was thankfully pretty stress-free this year compared to last year. This was primarily due to the fact that:
1) We weren't doing the Christmas dinner,
and
2) We didn't have to rely on any family members being 'let out' of hospital for the day.


At the beginning of the week we had my ex's ex and her four kids stay for two days, which turned into three days due to scary icy roads. It was lovely and I love seeing my son with his siblings but having four kids is so so different to just having one. It really is constant. No sneaking off to the computer. No falling asleep in front of the telly. No nipping out to the shop on your own. It wore me out and I wasn't even the one looking after them. I don't know how she does it. When they left it felt so quiet and I realized that my life really is quite easy! In my house we have two adults looking after one almost grown up child. I will never stress about being too busy or tired ever again!
 


























Of course, this is when I'm thinking rationally...

Periods can completely change things....This time last month I spent almost an entire day in floods of tears, feeling sorry for myself and wailing to anyone who would listen that it was their fault. That person happened to be my boyfriend, who was very patient and took it all on board. So when I came on my period the next day (and no longer felt like my world was ending) I was a tad embarrassed and had to spend the following 4 days avoiding him and hiding Tampax! The conversation on day 4 went something like this:

him: so how long have you been on your period then?
me: (damn!) erm....oh ... hmmmmm.... three, four days?
[pause.....]
me: ...that's not why I said all those things the other day when I was upset though-
him: oh no I know

My little rant wasn't mentioned again though...

This sudden emotional explosion happens almost every month and yet I'm never prepared for it so I noted in my diary that on 24th December I need to chill a bit...I wanted to tell everyone ELSE to be extra nice to me that day too but that sounded a bit pathetic. So Christmas eve everyone bickered and generally wound me up. However, despite my son slamming his bedroom door about 3 times in 3 hours, I managed to hold it together. Just.

Christmas day was fine and everyone got on and everyone was happy etc etc

......although still no period... God, I hope I'm not pregnant....

To be cool again.....

I officially feel old and uncool. Last night I went with my brother to see Lily Allen (we actually went on Saturday as well cos my brother got the dates wrong first time!). Anyway, because my brother gets disability allowance we got cheaper tickets. Great, except that when we got there we were placed in the wheel chair area. This felt slightly strange. My brother can walk perfectly well and doesn't have a physical disability. He doesn't work because he will never in his life be able to attend an interview and rather than address this issue the gov would rather pay him to be 'on the sick' (but that's a rant for another post!). On appearance the only clue that my bro may not be 100% like everyone else is his refusal to conform to the basic fashion rules i.e. don't pull your trousers up above your pounch and don't tuck your t-shirt into those pulled up trousers. I've given up gently encouraging him to follow such rules and anything I've bought for him he has refused to wear because he says its either impractical or uncomfortable. (Basically pockets need to have a zip and be big enough to hold a map and trousers need to be soft and comfy.... Hmmmm.)

Anyway, here we were in the designated (and quite separate) 'disabled area' looking down at the hundreds of 16 yr old girls dressed up in their best clothes (in the style of Lily Allen as ASOS would say) feeling very uncool! Yet I felt like I had much more in common with my brother than anyone else there. I don't know when this transition took place but I'm pretty sure its irreversible. The thing is I'm not really bothered with it all anymore. It was stressful enough getting from work to my brothers in time without worrying about what to wear. Which proves maybe that I am now old as well as uncool. I just need to be careful I don't start mum dancing. I'm not quite ready to take on that transition without a fight yet...


Meanwhile my son is making his own transitions. I can't believe in 3 years he has gone from this....












....to this...



















He no longer calls the computer the 'poputer' or money 'molimly' or chocolate 'locloc' and while I do try to keep up this vocab his patience with me is wearing thin. See, while I'm only just coming to terms with being uncool, to my son I have always been uncool because being a mum I am embarrassing by default. While I look forward to him being old enough to come out to pubs with me I prob should get used to fact that my son will have different ideas.......I may as well pull my trousers up and tuck my t.shirt in now. 'Mum dancing' is acceptable at home on your own right?

Letter to my 16 year old self

Dear My 16 year old self

Hi, It's me. I don't know whether you know you're pregnant yet. If you don't, get a test done. If it's before October then I'm afraid you're gonna have to hang around for a bit then as soon as you're up the duff get out of there. Follow your instincts. Don't stop thinking. And I know having a baby may seem like a scary prospect but you cannot risk not having this little man in your life.

Don't worry about what other people are thinking, especially people at church. C and L may be judging you now but they will both be pregnant too by the end of next year. Oh, look out for L. She's gonna go through some tough stuff. Don't hate her and tell her that when she's 28 it will all be OK. If you leave now like I'm telling you to then you will have less understanding of what she will go through.

Oh and stop being embarrased about your brother. He has Aspergers you insensitive dumbass. Look it up. Don't worry-you will make it up to him. Try and take him out with your friends some more though. It might help you behave too.


Learn to speak well so that at least you sound intelligent and get some GHD's. They are worth the investment. You will buy them in the end anyway so save yourself buying all the crap versions first.

Don't worry about your weight. You will pretty much stay the same for the next 15 years anyway.

Try to type properly-it will save you a lot of time in the long run.

Never let computer consoles into your house.

Good luck and enjoy being a Mum-its the most important job you will ever do.

Now start packing. Don't wait around for another 2 and a half years. Mum and Dad don't hate you and one day they will be proud.

Your 30 year old self
x

p.s In 2007 do not get a five year fixed rate-go for the tracker instead.

Independent Council of Twenty-something Childless Blokes

For some reason I always seem to get on better with childless people. I don't know why, maybe they are just more interesting. I also always seem to get on better with men then women. I think this is because male friends don't require the same level of commitment as females. You can never text or phone or email a male friend and he's really not that bothered; My few surviving female friends tend to be either very persistent or their children are related to my child. Anyway, I seem to have found myself in the twenty-something childless male clique at work. For reasons that now appear quite clear. As these are the only people I really chat to I often find myself discussing 'parenting' issues with them, much to their amusement. Today it was the issue of listening to the ipod while cycling. My son insists that I am the only parent who has reservations about this. The twenty-something childless blokes voted 2 to 1 that yes, I was being over protected (with the disclaimer that it also depends what music he's listening to, and not to cycle under the influence of alcohol!). So, again my son has been saved by the ICTCB, which have also helped him obtain an unsuitable computer game, have his thumb seen by the doctor and recently helped direct his future career aspirations. I wonder just how different things would be for him if I were part of a middle-aged mummy clique....

Common things

A few months ago I had a bit of a panic that as my son grew older I could find less shared interests between us. I mean, what do 13 year old boys really have in common with their mums?
One issue is that I've never really had any hobbies, even as a child. I recently thought about learning to make felt with a friend because it sounded like a nice middle class thing that I ought to be doing but then when they started talking about cross-stitch I remembered that this really wasn't me. See, I pretend, like a martyr, that I don't want to waste time or money on my own hobby but the truth is that I'm just not that interested in much, except getting drunk and dancing. And I can't really share that with my son yet (although admittedly it would have been a struggle to share felt making with him too).
To ensure my son doesn't turn out like me I've encouraged him to learn every instrument, play every sport and collect anything he can. But these are his things, not mine. He wont even play sport with me anymore because as he's got better I seem to have got worse, which makes for pretty uneven matches! (Gone are the simple days when he struggled to catch a ball....Hmmph). Anyway, in the end I splashed out on tickets to see Michael McIntyre (which turned out to be even more expensive after the parking ticket). I figured we did both like laughing. A lot. It was well worth it. Apart from having to pretend that I didn't understand the rude bits it was a successful trip enjoyed by both. Hooray for (almost) family friendly comedians....

Seeing clearly

I know I look like a dork but its strangly refreshing to actually be able to see things like road signs and the TV. I can't believe I spent the last year just thinking that these things were meant to be blurred. My son may think they are just a prop for his Clarke Kent/Superman sketch (which is v. funny)but I'm loving my new found clearer vision.


The weekend was spent seeing the (half) siblings. 4 little and 1 big. I don't know why there's such a fuss about so called broken families. What could be better than adoring little siblings who worship you, a big sister to annoy (but also secretly adore), then home to being the centre of attention again. At least that's how my son see's it!

Mornings

OK so far this term we have been getting on really well in the mornings. Its been lovely in fact. However, this morning things didn't quite go so smoothly....

This is me

I'm not biased but my son is brilliant at everything. Truely. Absolutely everything except drawing people. He hates it and he hates that he can't do it. His Art homework for this week was to draw someone. As it was due for Monday he started it at 8pm on Sunday evening after a particularly busy weekend. I stood and posed patiently while he got more and more frustrated. The end result was, in his eyes, terrible. He was upset that he'd made my thighs look fat and my top half look square. He said it looked nothing like me. To me this picture was perfect. I do have fat thighs and not much of a waist. I'm flattered that he thinks otherwise but really this picture is fairly accurate. If anything it makes me look more in proportion than I actually am.
So this is me; fat thighs and square top half, yet much prettier in the eyes of my son....