Good friends - old and new

Last night I said goodbye to one of my bestest friends - She's off travelling for 18 months and I don't know how I'm gonna cope without her.  We met about 8 years ago, out for a friends birthday. James's song 'Sit Down' came on and we both clambered up on to the tables so that we could dance and then jump off the table at each "Sit down' line. We knew at that point we would be friends for a long time. When people ask how we met we just say dancing on tables!

Tonight my new friend is coming over and we are all going away on a little adventure. It feels like Thelma and Louise except with kids (and without killing anyone)! I first met her about 12 years ago. I remember being in a little hippy shop in town with her and that song came on;

'You've done too much, much too young, you're married with a kid when you should be having fun....'

...and we just looked at each. I dont know if she was thinking the same as me but it felt like she was. I will always remember that moment. It was the first time I'd been allowed to go into town on my own for a long while. A lot has happened since. Recently, we became friends again. We have even more in common now, namely the father of our children! Maybe she lost sight if those lyrcs for while but you can only look forward, and I'm pretty sure fun will be a strong feature.

When will I will I be famous?

Next week I will hand in the last ever essay in my life. I am never ever studying again.

I know I've said it before but I mean it this time. If you ever hear me say I'm thinking about doing a course please shoot me. Honestly I want you to... like don't kill me or anything but make sure it hurts.

So today I finally made myself start working on this bloody essay. I did eventually get into it but my boyf came in from work and found the house was a complete state and I'd missed my doctors appointment. He wasn't happy.

'But I'm trying to write an essay in two days that would usually take me a month to do!!!' I shouted at him,

'So why haven't you been doing it in the last month?!!' he shouted back,

I hate not having an answer.

 
'So what course are you doing next then?' he asked when we'd both calmed down
'That's it, no more, ever'
'Till next time, I don't know why you keep doing it if you don't like studying'
'I like having qualifications and I like learning, I just don't like doing the work', That summed it up quite well I thought. 'You know what I want? One of those honorary degrees like famous people get''
'And they don't have to do anything?'
'Nope, just be famous. Sue Townsend's got one'
'So what are you gonna be famous for? Murdering your boyfriend?' he asked,
'You don't get a degree for that - I'm serious. I could be famous if I wanted to'
'Well, I wouldn't pin your hopes on it, oh, when you rearrange that appointment at the docs-you should maybe speak to them about delusions of grandeur too'

My son walked in. My trusting son. Always on my side. 'You believe I'll be famous one day don't you?'
'Yes Mum' he said.... 'for having the biggest bum in the world'
My boyfriend sniggered
Y'know suddenly the boyfriend murderer thing doesn't seem that unlikely.....the degree will just be a bonus.

10 things I like about you....

Whenever I feel the dynamics in our little family are wavering I make us all think about 10 things we like about each other. By 9 or 10 we are usually getting pretty desperate and have to refer to things like 'I like your top' but it makes us laugh anyway!
Last time my son said as no 10 for me: 'you're good with your brother'

We had Easter early this year. Mum decided we would have Easter dinner last Sunday so we could all be together. She'd planned this for a while. Just as we were about to go over she rang and said my brother wasn't coming. He was refusing the leave the house. She suggested we could take all the dinner there and have it on our laps.
'I'll go over and get him' I said
'No, your dads been there trying to get him up for an hour and a half. No-one could get him out yesterday either'
'Well I'll just go and try then'
'There's no point in you having to go over twice. We may as well take all the food'
I could tell she was disappointed.
'I'll go and try' I said again.
'Well don't say that I sent you' my mum said
As I drove over not for a second did I consider that I wouldn't be bringing my brother back with me. When I turned up my dad looked shattered.
I dragged my brother out of bed twice, hugged him, sang to him, tickled him, distracted him and made him laugh till he was in my car. After a false start when he tried to escape while I was driving, he calmed down and was fine.  We had our early Easter together just as mum planned it.

I don't spend as much time with my brother as I used to. Last year I was round nearly every day, when the carers couldn't cope with him and my mum was ill. I had plates thrown at me, I had to break up fights when a group of lads misunderstood his psychotic roaring, I'd go and see him in hospital and when he wouldn't come out his room I'd break the rules and just go straight in. I've been to meetings and argued with professionals when they say he's fine, I've tried to find him voluntary work, I've taken him to festivals with me, I've taken him for days out with my son. I've never given up. When my mum was ill and I was on 'suicide watch' at their house I accidently read an email she'd sent that said how proud she was of me for breaking all the rules just so I could see him. It made me cry. My mum loves a rebel.

Last week on the way to badminton me and my brother sat in the front of the car dancing away to Tinie Tempah turned up full volume while my son and 'Grandad' (my dad) sat in the back begging us to stop and turn it down!

I am good with my brother.
Or I am good at being stubborn!

That time of the month...

It's that time of the month again and I'm a complete emotional mess! Maybe I need to see someone about this - I'm not sure its normal any more! I've taken to just being open about it. 'I'm on my period' I declare to my male work colleagues just in case they notice anything different. They seem to appreciate the heads up! My brain is mush. My moods are all over the place. I cry for no reason....
'Why are you eyes all red?' my son asks
'Oh, I'm fine, not upset, just being all emotional. Silly really. It's a girl thing...'
What a stupid dumb ass thing to say I realised when he responds with
'So why do I get emotional then?'

I give him a big hug. He can be a sensitive soul at times but I never want him to see this as a weakness. Last week I let him look at my 'letter to my pregnant self'. I thought I'd leave him alone to read it while I went to make a cup of tea... A few seconds later I hear him calling me and I go up to see him standing at the top of the stairs with tears in his eyes. 'Mum! I do think you're cool' he wailed!

He had obviously read my 'P.s. Even though you are young you will never be considered 'cool' in the eyes of your son'.  TBH when I saw that in print I regretted putting it. But its what I always get asked, 'I bet your kid thinks you're so cool', like I'm some kinda cool big sister. I'm still his mum FFS!
Then when my dad read my letter he said that was the 'best bit' because it showed being a young mum wasn't all positive! Gee thanks Dad-ever the emotional one! (My mum wasn't much better. She laughed through reading it. Other parents CRIED when they read their daughters' letters you know. No wonder I have issues!)

Anyway my son has taken objection to this line.
'I think you're the coolest mum in the world' he said, half sobbing. I hugged him tighter.
'I know you do darling... I just meant that I'm still a bit embarrassing sometimes.' That he seemed to agree with.

I guess it's easy to blame emotions on periods and 'being a girl' but maybe I shouldn't. Yes I've been a total freakazoid the last few days but there have been some bloody good reasons. So maybe in a few days these reason may seem less paramount to my daily life, maybe 99% of the time my son doesn't really think that I'm the coolest mum in the word, but emotions are as real as they feel at the time..... and this is what I should be saying to my son...

Can't be arsed

I like the drive to my son's guitar lessons. We often have some interesting chats.

Today after a prolonged silence my son said 'Mum.....you know how I'm nearly 14 now....'

'Mmmm' This sounded dangerous.

'Am I allowed to say the word 'arse' around you?'

Say what?

'It's not a swear word'

Well,  I guess. I pride myself on never ever swearing around my son except for one occasion a couple of years ago when, out for meal, he asked what another word for really good was and I suggested 'the dog's bollocks'. This was met with complete shock from him and my boyfriend that I could think this was an acceptable term to suggest! They have gone on about it ever since! ("Mum, remember that day you said the dog's .....")

'Ok, I guess I don't mind'

'Really?'

'Yeah sure. Hey, why don't you shout it really loud?'

He looked at me suspiciously, smiled, went to shout, then stopped,

'Nah, it doesn't feel right around you....'

'Ok' I said. I was flattered he felt I should be protected from any foul language!

As we got out the car and walked up to the guitar teacher's house he looked at me and said 'Mum, I'm looking forward to this Easter. It's gonna be the dog's...'

99% of the time...

...my boyfriend annoys the hell out me


1% of the time he manages to make up for it

Diary of a 15 year old

I seem to be doing a lot of reflecting lately - It's all terribly self indulgent and quite embarrassing really! Maybe it's being 30 and feeling like I should know a bit more about myself - Even typing that makes me cringe!

So I've just been up in the attic and found my diary from the summer of 94 (age 15) to the summer of 95 (age 16) when I left home. During that period my life changed more than I could ever imagine. The thing is I'm too scared to open it! I know it's sounds really stupid and I really can't explain it. The key has been lost but I still daren't open it! I know I'm being over dramatic but I think I might just leave it a while...........