Go go go

So I thought I'd be feeling a bit emotional sending my son off on his school trip but the hour that I did see him this morning between 5.45 and 6.45 all he did was moan!  Everything I'd packed was wrong, his jeans had shrunk, his t-shirt was too big, he didn't want to take sandwiches, he would die without a bottle of Lucozade. I bit my lip. He unpacked and re-packed and it took a good 10 minutes persuading him that yes he did need to take a towel because yes he was expected to have a wash at some point during the 3 days away. He tested my patience but I just about manged to stay calm. As he got out the car at the school he said to me "you're a very angry person", as he practically skipped to catch up with his friends...

Right that's it

ROOM TO LET

available immediately 

Stay with me baby

In approx. four years time my child could be leaving home, he may no longer sleep here every night and I may no longer see him every day. When people ask if I would ever have more children I say why would I start again? The sooner it gets to the time when I will be child free the sillier having another child seems. In four years I could be free. I could go anywhere, do anything. Only four years; its like a countdown...

My son is on a school trip for 3 days next week and I have reluctantly agreed to let him stay over at not one but two sleep overs this weekend. I don't want him to. At first I refused. He acted like his life depending on attending both sleepovers. He told me he'd been revising really hard and after his exam he thought he deserved it. He was right. I thought that he deserved it too but I didn't say this because I didn't want him to go. I didn't want him to go because I wanted him to say with me. I didn't want to not see him for 5 nights out of one week. But I couldn't say this either. I couldn't tell him I wanted him to stay cos I'd miss him. I want him to be independent, not worry about him mum sitting at home feeling lonely. I could go out but I don't feel like it. I miss my boy and he's not even gone anywhere yet. Oh god, what am I gonna be like when he leaves home? If I can't cope with 5 days how will I cope with forever? How will I not be embarrassingly clingy and desperate? I don't want to be free any more. I want my baby here and I don't want another baby, I want MY baby, the baby I've grown up with for the last 14 years, here with me forever!!

Ok, I have approx. four years to deal with this before I ruin my son's life and any potential he has to be a well-rounded normal human being! Maybe I'll feel more stable when I'm off my period....

Multi-tasking

This is my son doing last minute maths revision....

Who said boys couldn't multi-task???

Things that make me happy

Mint Chocolate Baileys, my son actually doing revision, a hoovered car at last, cooking a meal that my boyf actually liked for once (although he did still complain that the potatoes weren't cooked), Mint Chocolate Baileys, my son secretly actually enjoying doing revision, the fact that I also secretly enjoyed helping my son with revision, Mint Chocolate Baileys, deleting sex pests on facebook, Mint Baileys, catching a glimpse of my lillies in the kitchen as I go up to bed reminding me that it's the little things that make you happy.

The British

My son is reading a poem called by The British by Benjamin Zapheniah to be filmed and shown at our local theatre next week. It's a poem about diversity and equality.

I love where we live because of it's diversity. I love the school my son attends because of it's diversity. 'What year did racism end?' my son once asked me. Since he was a baby strangers would come up and say how beautiful he is, teenage boys would say that they wanted their baby to look like him, his stunning blue eyes are a constant source of amazement, from around age 6 groups of black boys would nod at him as they passed, his paler sister looks at him with envy...

But it's my job to also let him know he's intelligent, talented and can do anything he wants if he works hard at it. English has never been his strongest subject. Like me he has little patience for rules that don't always appear to follow logic. But being picked to read this poem which will be shown to hundreds of people has sparked a new interest and confidence and pride that I hope continues.

My beautiful brave baby boy.

That Lesbian Single Parent Thing

Me: Oh, I'm going to that thing tomorrow.
Boyf: What thing?
Me: You know - that thing I told you about.
Boyf: What? That lesbian single parent thing?

Step families

The boyf's BFF has just split up with his girlf. They've lived together for a while and she has two kids from a previous relationship, who are now teenagers. Apparently he's left cos she wouldn't back him up when he tried to set rules for kids.
"Is he gonna still see the kids?" I asked they boyf.
"Nah, they never really liked him anyway," was his reply.

There are so many things I want to say I don't know where to start. With (unofficial) step families I guess things are always less certain. It's hard to forget that sometimes. I don't think my boyfs about to walk out on us or anything. He's not a complete fool-despite all the crap I give him he knows he's on to a good thing! I do sometimes wonder what would happen if I wasn't here though, how strong their bond would be...

Sometimes it's like having two kids the way they bicker. I often get called in to resolve pointless disagreements. And then he has the nerve to suggest to me that I'm too soft because I treated my son to a bit of retail therapy after his stressful guitar exam this weekend, like I can't decide for myself when to treat my own child (even if I did get a bit carried away)!  Often I wonder if this is how step families are meant to be!

So today I asked if my son would feel more or less (I didn't want to influence the response) secure if me and D (the boyf) were married.
"Less" he said straight away, "it would be like Chandler in Friends"
"Huh? You're worried about having a transvestite as a father?"
He gave me that look that means I've said something inappropriate and out of context - I get it a lot these days.
"No, like Chandler only wanted to have an affair when he was scared of the commitment of marriage"- Oh right, I'm proud that my son hasn't been indoctrinated by the Tories vision of the perfect family, even if his main point of reference is Chandler from Friends.

Anyway, we somehow got onto the subject of what would happen if I died.
"I'd want to stay with D" my son said straight away.
Then D started pestering me again that I needed to get something sorted out that meant he would have responsibility if, y'know, anything were to happen. I know, I know. Or maybe I didn't know. They then started planning their lives together after my death....
"We'd have a better quality of life cos there'd be no mortgage to pay...", my son worked out.
"...So we'd have more to pay for strippers and dirty movies and lottery tickets" D added.
Even though I should have been offended (especially the lottery thing-D knows how much that winds me up) it's nice to hear that after almost 9 years they don't just tolerate each other cos they have to. It made me smile inside.

"I wouldn't want to live with anyone else," my son reiterated "...cos then I'd lose my x-box live and I'd have to level up again..."

Hmmm. Like step father like step son....