Saturday 30 January 2010

Low rise

At what age should I stop finding this attractive?

Wednesday 27 January 2010

The filing cabinet

Finally got the urge today to sort out my home filing system. Papers have been piling up on the piano, the dining table, the kitchen table, the fridge, the washing machine, the notice board, under the bed and around the computer for a while now and it was time to do something about it. I ventured into the filing cabinet, where for the last 6 months I've just been stuffing everything in the front, emptied it all out on the floor, and along with all the other crap from around the house, sat for hours putting everything into piles. The reason it took so long was because I got lost in reading things. I read every one of my son's school reports from year 1 to year 8. The combination of feeling like my life was in order (with everything in the right compartment ) and reading other people say nice things about my son gave me such a warm feeling that I almost forgot about my bout of PMT. Even the bits about him talking too much and being easily distracted make me smile because I know he gets that from me!

I do talk a lot, especially when I shouldn't. I always have. In the past though I've told people too much about myself and then feel like I've let too much out, that maybe I should have kept to myself. Today at work I let slip a story about when my ex told everyone we went to Vancouver for our honeymoon, except that he didn't tell me about it so I didn't know till I read the messages in the wedding cards wishing us a great time! I told them how I was too embarrassed to admit my ex was a compulsive liar so had to go along with it. I then got really embarrassed about telling this story at work. My normal reaction to embarrassment is to keep talking.... Did he lie about a lot? they asked. Er... where to start? If I tell them a few more stories they may forget about the Vancouver one. But every one in my head sounded much much worse. Why did I start this? - There is no easy way to back track here. Yeah, quite a lot I mumbled nervously. Why am a talking like a div? I don't want people to know this stuff!

Finally someone talked about their own friend who had made up that someone close had committed suicide and they had to ring him to check he was alive (which he was). I was tempted here to share a very similar story but remembered that she didn't marry her compulsive liar friend so its not the same. You'd think after over 10 years I wouldn't be bothered about telling stories of the ex but I still feel as stupid for putting up with it now as I did then....

I'm an open person and I like to tell a good story but maybe I need to learn to file some of my shit into the right compartment and then shut the door!

Wordless Wednesday: leaving home


















1998

Monday 25 January 2010

Where's your afro?

On Saturday I felt like the worst mum in the world.

My son's hair has been an issue for a while. With his combined parentage there was little chance of him ever being born with manageable hair. Generally, the front tends to go into tight curls which increase in frizziness for each day they go unwashed while the back tends to lack curl and verge towards 'matted dread' type sprouting. At times he can pull it off and it looks kinda cool. But most of the time it just looks like he needs a hair cut. However, this is the look we've been used to for a while.

On Saturday we went for a 'trim', except I got carried away and for some reason the words 'just a little bit shorter' kept coming out my mouth. The end result was 'a lot shorter'. In fact, all of his 'curls' had gone. It looked nice though-and it showed off his stunning blue eyes. My son appeared ok with it, if a little quiet...

We got home and the first words my ever so sensitive boyfriend said to him were: 'What have you done THAT FOR??'

Well that was it.

My son burst into tears. He didn't want anyone to see him. He was never going to leave the house. Why did I make him do it? It was all my fault. He wrapped himself in his dressing gown, covering his head, and declared himself a hermit for the rest of his life (or at least until it grew back)-He later calmed down and said he wasn't angry with me, he just hated not having his curls anymore, and felt like he wanted to cry every time he looked in his mirror-if there was ever a time I felt like a bad mother it was right then! His hair may have been a mess before, but to my son his big out-of-control-not-quite-afro was part of who he was. It was his identity. He was also a good few inches shorter without it which I'm sure didn't help! The next morning, after realizing he would have to face civilization at some point, he eventually agreed to go to football. When he got back I tentatively asked how it went...

"Well, at first everyone shouted where's your afro, then they said it looked better...then some people said it looked stupid before'

13 yr old boys can be mean but also very honest.

My son seems to quite like his hair now and was thankfully ok to go to school this morning, which means I no longer have to feel like the worst mum in the world. Phew!

Thursday 21 January 2010

LAA targets

I work for local government. Reducing under 18 conceptions is an LAA target. They have a teenage pregnancy strategy and a teenage pregnancy co-ordinator and a teenage pregnancy data analyst. The performance team report the data and try to explain why targets are missed. They make jokes about who is the culprit, who lives in a 'hot spot', are they responsible for impregnating all these teenage girls, is it because of the tv or alcohol or both? Fingers crossed the next quarterly figures go down, or rather legs crossed. People often make these jokes around me and I think should I be laughing too? It's not at all funny but I don't want people to think I'm overly sensitive or for them to be worried about offending me. How should I react when they look at me? Are my cheeks burning? Shall I make a lame joke too just so they know I'm ok with it? It doesn't matter because they just carry on oblivious to the fact I AM SITTING THERE. You know I have a 13 year old child and you know my age: Why are you not even bothered about whether you are offending me or not?????!!!!



Today at work we were chatting about trashy magazines.
Jo: 'do you remember Just 17?'
Youngster (confusing Just 17 and East 17): 'was that a band?'
me: 'oh, I loved Just 17. I got it every week'
Jo: 'I remember it being passed round school because it always had about (mouthed the word 'sex') in it.'
me: 'yeah, I don't know if any 17 year olds actually bought it'
Jo: 'Well, didn't you already have a baby at 17?!!! '
True.
She laughed at this concept for quite a long time and then when she had finished, apologised and checked that I wasn't offending. Of course I wasn't but to be honest, its just nice to be asked for a change. I may re-name this post-'its all about me'

LAA=Lame Ass Anecdotes

Wednesday 20 January 2010

Tuesday 19 January 2010

sorting my s*** out

These are my last diary entries from 2001/2002. Although reading them I sound like a total nightmare they do nicely sum up the transition from 'a mad year of making up for my lack of teenage years' to 'sorting my s*** out' (kinda). Clearly the intention was always there anyway...

8. ‘about the time I upset everyone at work’ early 2002, age 22

S***, everyone hates me. The middle aged women at work hate me cos I’m younger than them and now the male singleton hates me too. Boyfriend will be here in 20 mins and I look a mess.

9.‘about the time the weather changed’ 22nd Feb 2002, age 22

Child: “It feels like a special new day Mummy”

10. ‘about the time I needed to forget old flames’ mid 2002, age 22

If my boyfriend stays over does that mean I have to take down the photos of SC next to my bed?
Why am I having dreams about R from work?

11. ‘about the time we were ‘on a break’’ 30th August 2002, age 23

Proud of: purchasing 3 bed house (small back yard but nice view)
Not proud of: pulling it all apart making it unlivable and then dumping boyfriend who was gonna transform it to livable.

Plan: forget the 18 yr old at A&E

DO NOT NEED A MAN IN MY LIFE

Maybe will accept bloke from work's invitation to dinner at his.

Can’t wait till I can entertain guests at home.
Must remember child is a handful because he is ‘gifted’ and therefore has different needs.


I did forget about the 18 yr old from A&E and got back with the boyfriend, although I'm still insistent that I don't NEED a man. And of course my child is very gifted (in Maths, Geography, Music and DT according to latest school correspondence). I was studying Maths and Geography while pregnant so I guess its perfectly reasonable to assume that some of it absorbed into my womb (???). Oh, and I took a friend to dinner with me at 'bloke from work's' house and she ended up snogging him while I passed out on the sofa (Lucky escape as he turned out to be a bit strange!). My lovely house soon became livable and I had the best house warming party ever!

The end!











Everyone dancing to Cotton Eye Joe, 2002

Monday 18 January 2010

7. about the time I started straightening my hair


7. 'About the time I started straightening my hair', early 2002, age 22

Last diary entries scream loss of control in a manner only I could exhibit. Am able to say this now due to having made extreme progress to improve life:

1. Found a job i.e. proper job where, although initially the prospect of no Trisha or Kilroy in the morning and no shopping in afternoon resembled a situation not dissimilar to hell, it is in fact v. good for me and in the long term will make me richer and slimmer (??) (Results soon to be confirmed). Also I now own ultra stylish work wardrobe to match ultra stylish career girl lifestyle, feet kill but worth it; would win style awards in office (although most colleagues resemble my mother in various forms)

2. Have what may be considered by some (although falsely I hasten to add) achieved ultimate goal and bagged myself a boyfriend. Not someone I would ever have put myself with but feel strangely contented in the relationship plus he let me shave a mohecan into his head which scores points with me. Good s** , Good conversation, seemingly stable.

3. Think I may have a crush on bloke from work. Maybe because he is only male in the office or because he lives on same road as SC but am sure it is harmless, and is simply justification for making an effort for work (as helps if I have a target to impress/seduce I mean impress.) (This should not have been in my life improvement list)

4. Am also drinking significantly less, pulling significantly less, baking significantly more (always a good sign as all good mums bake). Materialistic values still high after purchasing designer clothing for myself and child* (but with possible intent to return). Oh, almost forgot most successful self-reinvention was had hair blow dried straight and looks bloody beautiful. Am considering saving up to have it permanently flattened as curls are the devils work to make life seem unruly and unmanageable.


(*not matching or chavy)


This was quite a significant diary entry. Its difficult to remember life before ghds sometimes! I still do believe that curly hair makes you feel a little less in control! My boyfriend hates me straightening my hair all the time but he really doesn't understand! Oh, its prob also significant that the 'seemingly stable boyfriend' mentioned here I am still with 8 years later! Did I really say that we had 'good conversation'??? God, I must have known some really uncommunicative men to comare him to!

Saturday 16 January 2010

Don't you wish...

The first time I ever kissed a boy properly I was 15. It was in a tent at a christian faith camp. It was kinda sloppy and went on for too long. Today is a friend's 30th birthday party and that boy (now 31) will be there. I haven't seen him in about 10 years. It is really important to me that tonight I make sure I look hotter than his wife!!

a little bit bi-polar

My brother has Aspergers which is a form of autism. He hates it, or rather he hates the diagnosis. To my brother being autistic means having carers all the time to tell you what to do, having to go on courses with thick people, having to take a concoction of pills every day, having people talk about you like you're not there, having to write down what you are doing all the time.
Do you think I'm autistic? he asked me.
"Well, I think a lot of people are autistic to some extent (I do), like I know a lot of people who are a bit OCD, some more than others. They just don't have the diagnosis. I think most people have got a bit of something, its not a bad thing. "
"Thats what I don't like; the diagnosis," he said, "What have you got then?"
"erm well" (I racked my brain trying to think of a suitable self diagnosis. Dyslexia, my mum pointed out later, I could have chosen. Damn, why did I not say dyslexia) "Bi -polar? I guess I'm a bit bi-polar" (well I do have mood swings??)
"Really?" My brother was positively encouraged by this revelation
"Well a few days a month I feel awful and really really dont want to get out of bed",
"That's how I feel all the time!" he said happily
Great

When I left to go home my brother said I had to stay because I had bi-polar. I have a feeling the bi-polar sister thing wont be forgotten easily. Normally I hate it when people trivialize mental illnesses, like when people say they have depression when they are just a bit down. I've seen many real depressed people on mental wards and believe me its more than just feeling down. I don't for a minute think I'm bi-polar, but to my brother it was reassuring to hear that some days I do just feel like shit.


4. ‘about the time I set my criteria’ late 2001, age 22

Am making good progress in ability to like blokes for right reason rather than b****. potential. Almost fell in love with R due to possible prospects in field of child entertainment but he lost out to Beautiful O who stole mine and child’s heart by offering substantial discounts on kid's skate trainers. What more could I possible want? Should probably keep to myself hunt for suitable father figure though. Child exhibited model behavior today and was extremely proud. Feel v. in control of life for a change (not seen Frieda in 4 day). Just need to work on plan to lesson influence of father. His mere presence seems to invoke feelings of pure hatred which I’ m sure is not healthy but completely justified.

(new character: SC-aka no 2.)

5 'About the time I momentarily lost track', late 2001, age 22

Was feeling so in control after this weekend of good doings and then spoke to EW who turns out to have had similar experience to mine with SC. Hate SC. Hate SC. Hate SC. Hate all blokes. Hate alcohol. Am so in love with SC. b******. b******. Must continue with good doings and ignore this slight loss of track. I wonder if SC still has my earrings.
short term goal: get SC
long term goal: forget SC and become professional dancer

6. 'About the time I reviewed my criteria', late 2001, age 22

Saw Beautiful O dancing around on a space hopper today-must remember that teenagers are not crush material

Thursday 14 January 2010

3. 'about the time I started having a crush on Richard Madeley'


3: ‘about the time I started having a crush on Richard Madeley’ late 2001, age 22


goal 1: lose weight
goal 2: learn to be attracted to good guys (still lusting after b******s and those with unstable mental dispositions)
short term goal: earn extra money
long term goal: find good job
achievements: living on practically no money
disappointments: conning mother into paying for child’s dinner money

proud of: losing weight at beginning of week
not proud of: putting it all back on again

must stop: letting food control me

desperately want: child to behave

short term solution: buy child new clothes so at least will look cute

long term solution: take swimming more often and buy poetry books

not proud of: dreaming about Richard Madeley
solution: s**
must stop: dreaming of owning stylish 3 bed house with large garden when will be unemployed and skint by next year.

must start: accepting reality

must stop: planning the house warming party

must start: accepting parties are pretty s*** in dingy 1 bed flats.
must stop: following fashion - not practical. (No longer feel need to party all night thanks to pressure on social life known as Frieda. Staying in will be the new going out when have own house. Must plan staying in wardrobe-I’m thinking casual but sexy)
disappointment: that 'dazzlepaint' comes off in the wash

budgeting: 8/10 v. good
creativity: 2/10 child preferred to watch video given by father than join in fun of sticking despite the fact sticking involved time consuming preparation of selecting appropriate stimuli as seen in the G (middle class family) household.
diet: 2/10 good start bad end.

When have own house fridge will only have healthy food and will have 'creative cupboard' in the toy room.



It's funny reading old diaries, particularly this one. I had completely forgotten about being desperate for my own house and stable job etc and now I have these things all I can do is moan about how fun my life used to be! Am slowly coming to realisation that I need to appreciate what I have a bit more. Looking back, my twenties were fun, but I did also spend a lot of it trying to get to my thirties.....

Wednesday 13 January 2010

1. 'about the time I started making plans to drink less' and 2. 'about the time I started worrying about the type of men in my life

Ok. My life is pretty dull right now. It's fine though-I'm coming to terms with it. Slowly. But it makes for a pretty boring blog! So today I bring to you 2 delightful extracts from an old diary that I just found...


[characters:
Freida: high maintenance friend-destroyed my social life

Child: that's my son, when he was 5 and cute]

1. ‘about the time I started making plans to drink less’, late 2001, age 22

Overwhelming urge to tear child away from father has become almost unbearable of late. I know research shows that a father/child relationship is nothing but beneficial to child but maybe their studies didn’t include fathers like the one belonging to my child. Worried about stability of the girlfriend but don't want to get involved for fear of catching it. Have enough reservations about the father to keep my going anyway. Oh, was so not convinced about his fake limp yesterday but need to get home was greater than any desire to stalk.

short term goal: save money.
long term goal: buy beautiful house and make it ultra stylish.
must stop: letting child climb on furniture.
other goals: lose weight, keep job, lose Frieda.
must stop: obsessing about clothes (not relevant in life after Frieda), drinking heavily (although was happiest mum in the playground at school this morning due to effects of last night not yet worn off).
very proud of: customizing child’s t-shirt myself (although didn’t receive any appreciation), oh and the novel written my myself and child in bed.
not proud of: being horizontal on dance floor in M club, being in M club, confusing theoretically with philosophically


2. 'about the time I started thinking about the type of men in my life', late 2001, age 22

Bridget Jones film, instead of being inspirational, simply confirmed my inability to fancy the good guy and reminded me of joys of comfort eating. No progress in mission to lose Frieda from my life, despite daily renewal of strategy. Child’s father also still sadly exists.


Only 2/3 blokes I can ever see my self fancying:
1. f***** up still pubesc
ent 17 yr old
2. biggest b******/slapper with no morals, standards or respect.
3. (maybe
)insignificant ex who is also mental

so generally not looking too good


I will type out a few more extracts over the next few days. If nothing else, it helps me to appreciate my current boring life a bit more!  I have a diary in the attic somewhere from the year up to when I got pregnant, but I'm saving that for when the book publishers come knocking on my door offering to pay me millions for it!

Tuesday 12 January 2010

Tell me about something you miss*

I miss my twenties.
Whoever said thirties were the new twenties lied.
They're not.
Remember when you were a kid and thirty seemed like really old?
Well guess what - it STILL does.

Some things you just can't get away with when you're 30....

I miss flirting. I miss dressing up. I miss getting really drunk. I miss not worrying. I miss planning parties. I miss my vintage cowboy boots. I miss Gregs pasties. I miss gossiping. I miss Dawsons Creek. I miss dancing with strangers. I miss Toy Story 1 & 2. I miss having long hair. I miss making stuff out of paper mache. I miss wearing bikini tops as actual tops. I miss picnics in the garden. I miss toe rings. I miss the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I miss sitting on skate ramps. I miss fairy lights all year round. I miss chasing taxis. I miss doing kart wheels. I miss kissing boys I shouldn't. I miss kissing girls I shouldn't. I miss bouncy castles and paddling pools. I miss painting everything red. I miss making treasure hunts. I miss keeping sea monkeys. I miss stealing drinks. I miss requesting Britney in rock clubs. I miss sharing a bunk bed. I miss marble run. I miss talking on the phone all night. I miss my driving instructor. I miss walking bare foot. I miss push up bras and glitter. I miss the morning school run. I miss Sex and the City night. I miss roller skating. I miss the drama. I miss the serenity. I miss Turkey Dinosaurs. I miss Dr Seuss.


*Inspired by Josie's Writing Workshop

Best behaviour

My boyfriend has been on best behavior for two days now. Twice I've come in from work and he's been busy painting the windows, house tidy & washing up done, dinner almost ready. As a test I even went to bed last night knowing the kitchen was a mess and this morning like magic it was all pretty and clean. It's funny how just saying those mortal words 'Darling, I think we need to talk... about us' can have such an impact. Obviously he's avoided the talk but this is much better. Long may it continue....... x

Monday 11 January 2010

It's all Political

My son played the part of Barack Obama in Drama today-I'm so proud I told him - "well, everyone else in my group was white!" Not the point-I see a future leader in my son for sure. Obama's mother was a teenage mum too don't you know?!

I am determined to learn more about politics this year (not a resolution, just an aim). I sniggered at the nobody on Celeb Big Brother on day 1 for saying 'oh, if you're talking 'bout politics I'll go away, I don't know anything". FFS, you're 27 not a child you fool I shouted at the TV, then I realised that I say the exact same thing. Frequently. How pathetic I must sound. Politics effects everyone right? So I'm making a conscious effect to try and focus on the news more when politicians come on. Some of it is boring as. Or rather they are boring as. I would much prefer to watch Obama. The Milliband brothers are a poor substitute. I bought my house from an MP so I always feel a strange alliance with her, what with sleeping in her bedroom and still having her curtains up. I guess I need to start listening to what people are actually saying though....

Friday 8 January 2010

"But I dont feel old enough yet..."



These were the words that came out of my son's mouth this morning when we started chatting about GCSE's. My son is in year 9 and will be doing his GCSE's in 2 years. However, due to abolishing yr 9 SATs the school figured they could squeeze in a few more GCSE's to score extra points, which means at least 2 of his GCSE's he will be doing a year early. I've always been confident that he will do fine; He loves tests. He aced his yr 6 SATS with no revision. But to hear him say these words made me just want to turn the clock back, or at least slow it down a bit. My little baby doing proper exams?!? Oh god, maybe I am not ready for this. I totally freaked out when he did Grade 2 trombone. I was so nervous I could hardly drive! I need to keep cool. So I offered some reassuring words of advice: "Babes, whatever you do in life, you will never feel like you're old enough. I'm 30 and I still don't feel any older than when I was 13."

..... needless to say he wasn't impressed.















(my son a few years ago on one of the rare occasions when he actually practiced)

Thursday 7 January 2010

my boyfriend is anoying because...

01. Despite him being a skilled carpenter our house looks like something from homes from hell or DIY SOS. He is quite happy to take toilets out, take carpets up, take doors off but then seems to get bored at the next stage of actually doing something useful.
02. He has stolen my garage. We bought a house with a garage except I haven't seen it in about a year. I no longer have a garage in my eyes. I have a 'man space'. Therefore I am paying a mortgage on a '3-bed house with man space'. Hmmph.
03. All the mugs also disappear to the man-space. It's not until there is not a single mug left in the house that he thinks to bring them in, often containing mold and yukky stuff. Then he has the audacity to place them next to the washing up bowl, like it is then MY job to deal with them??!??
04. He is incapable of boiling the right amount of pasta
05. He just says stupid things
06. He plays the x-box more than my 13 yr old son. That doesn't mean I want my son to play more. I want my son to play less but this is always met with ' but he's played it for (insert no. of hrs conveniently calculated by some x-boxy thing) hours more than me' . The 'he's an adult so he can' line doesn't seem to make sense in my head because surely being an adult he shouldn't be wasting his time on such crap.
07. He spends a stupid amount of time in bed; Sometimes when I am at work, which really winds me up.
08. He still thinks being annoying is a form of affection. It is not. It is just annoying.
09. If he ever cleans or washes up he seems to have it in his head that he is doing it for me... err so I'll expect thanks and praise every time I breathe shall I?
10. He is incapable of going to the shop and buying food for more than one meal.
11. ...unless he is buying reduced bread, when he will buy 20 loaves then watch them go off. Yes luv, great bargain.
12. He will say things like 'oh, I wouldn't go to school in this weather. If it was up to me I'd let you stay at home' as a joke.
13. He smokes and it stinks.
14. He eats pork scratchings and they stink.
15. Rather than put empty pork scratching packets in the bin, he prefers to hide them under the sofa, where the smell can linger a bit longer. Delightful.
16. He will put one item in the washing machine, then put that one item in the dryer, then not even wear the damn thing.
17. He does not listen.
18. He makes these annoying snorting up noises then denies it.
19. He acts like my car is his car.
20. He has no comprehension of what I put up with on a daily basis (i.e. all of the above)!!!


(This is what you get if you spend 8 years with someone who you didn't really think would last more than a few weeks)

Friday 1 January 2010

Welcome 2010

Every year I make resolutions to be a better mother, to keep the house tidier, to be more professional at work, to take more care of my appearance, to be more organised, to stay out of my overdraft etc. They tend to last a day or two. New Years Eve was spent singing kareoke with a large scary women who just got out of prison for benefit fraud. Despite who you try to be it's amazing who you connect with after a few glasses of red wine!











This evening me and my son laughed our heads off at Nessa's embarrassing wedding in the last ever 'Gavin and Stacey' till I realised that she had chosen the same wedding song to walk down the aisle to as I did 12 years ago (also Scott and Charlene's song in Neighbours 1987)! I don't think I'll bother with resolutions this year and instead just try to accept that this is me and whatever I do one day l'll probably look back and cringe!