My brother has Aspergers which is a form of autism. He hates it, or rather he hates the diagnosis. To my brother being autistic means having carers all the time to tell you what to do, having to go on courses with thick people, having to take a concoction of pills every day, having people talk about you like you're not there, having to write down what you are doing all the time.
Do you think I'm autistic? he asked me.
"Well, I think a lot of people are autistic to some extent (I do), like I know a lot of people who are a bit OCD, some more than others. They just don't have the diagnosis. I think most people have got a bit of something, its not a bad thing. "
"Thats what I don't like; the diagnosis," he said, "What have you got then?"
"erm well" (I racked my brain trying to think of a suitable self diagnosis. Dyslexia, my mum pointed out later, I could have chosen. Damn, why did I not say dyslexia) "Bi -polar? I guess I'm a bit bi-polar" (well I do have mood swings??)
"Really?" My brother was positively encouraged by this revelation
"Well a few days a month I feel awful and really really dont want to get out of bed",
"That's how I feel all the time!" he said happily
When I left to go home my brother said I had to stay because I had bi-polar. I have a feeling the bi-polar sister thing wont be forgotten easily. Normally I hate it when people trivialize mental illnesses, like when people say they have depression when they are just a bit down. I've seen many real depressed people on mental wards and believe me its more than just feeling down. I don't for a minute think I'm bi-polar, but to my brother it was reassuring to hear that some days I do just feel like shit.
4. ‘about the time I set my criteria’ late 2001, age 22
Am making good progress in ability to like blokes for right reason rather than b****. potential. Almost fell in love with R due to possible prospects in field of child entertainment but he lost out to Beautiful O who stole mine and child’s heart by offering substantial discounts on kid's skate trainers. What more could I possible want? Should probably keep to myself hunt for suitable father figure though. Child exhibited model behavior today and was extremely proud. Feel v. in control of life for a change (not seen Frieda in 4 day). Just need to work on plan to lesson influence of father. His mere presence seems to invoke feelings of pure hatred which I’ m sure is not healthy but completely justified.
(new character: SC-aka no 2.)
5 'About the time I momentarily lost track', late 2001, age 22
Was feeling so in control after this weekend of good doings and then spoke to EW who turns out to have had similar experience to mine with SC. Hate SC. Hate SC. Hate SC. Hate all blokes. Hate alcohol. Am so in love with SC. b******. b******. Must continue with good doings and ignore this slight loss of track. I wonder if SC still has my earrings.
short term goal: get SC
long term goal: forget SC and become professional dancer
6. 'About the time I reviewed my criteria', late 2001, age 22
Saw Beautiful O dancing around on a space hopper today-must remember that teenagers are not crush material